Lost and Found
by mkulitko
Summary: secrets will be revealed, mistakes will be corrected and broken hearts will be reunited... is forgiveness really an option or are we just kidding ourselves into thinking that we can escape the repercussions of our past sins
1. Chapter 1

A/N Sorry about the previous upload.. It's my first time and i'm still figuring this all out. I hope to at least give out a decent story..

Day in and day out. Every single day of my life since that incident has been nothing but emptiness. Emptiness that has started eating up all of me, slow in its wake and ever present.

At first I thought that this was just a temporary feeling but as the days turn into weeks and into months and into years, I have come to accept the fact that nothing will ever change. This is my new reality and I might as well learn to live with it the best way I can.

zzzzzz

Today was another one of those days, days that made me feel numb and dead inside. I woke up the same time as yesterday or the day before or any day really since that moment in my life. A moment I never want to remember but can't help remembering. I did my job and did it exceptionally well since it is the only thing I live for now. I kept my head on the job or the game as my mother would say and not talk to anybody unless it is required to do so. I do not mingle nor make any friends. I keep to myself and all of that is fine with me. Nobody dares to bother me anymore since all the hospital staff are used to it. So used to it that they never even notice me unless there is an emergency that needed my assistance.

As I walk towards the cafeteria I of course received a 911. Grabbing a sandwich, I made a dash to the rooftop landing together with my interns. I heard and felt the helicopter as it got nearer and prepared to assess the incoming trauma. I was concentrating on the task at hand that at first I did not notice anything out of the ordinary but as we rode the elevator to bring the patient in to MRI I happen to glance at the patient's face..

Looking at the patient.. really looking at the patient this time, a thought popped into my head

_That's me.. 20 years younger_

I was startled at seeing my own face staring back at me.

Shaking the strange feeling that is now running through my body, I watched as the gurney that holds the little girl disappears from my sight.

Nobody knows when something big is going to happen to them. Most people say that they can sense it but i think all of that is bullshit, because i never had any feeling during the big moments of my life or maybe that is just me missing something in my brain or me being oblivious to everything, but as i said i never had any foreboding feeling but as I stare at her eyes its as if all those times that my gut instinct never help me suddenly woke up and is now screaming at me and I knew then and there that something big is going to happen to my life.

Something drastic, only time will tell...


	2. Chapter 2

Laying in my bed and staring at my ceiling I can't help but picture the girls face over and over again. This has been going on since I left the hospital a couple of hours ago. Its as if I can't help but think of her, she seems to be a puzzle.. a puzzle that only I can solve.

zzzzzz

This day felt different. I don't know if this is a good different of a bad different.

This felt foreign to me, since that incident it is a wonder for me to feel something, to care, to be curious about another person and I don't know what to feel about all of that. Should I feel happy? Excited? Afraid? Should I go running for the hills? I just don't know what to feel anymore.

After a long time of nothing suddenly its everything at the same time, overwhelming in its wake.

_Argghhh... My head thinks of all this crazy things, where the hell are my interns?_

"I would love to eat pizza daddy" I heard the most heavenly voice right across from me. The same room of the little girl last night.

Inching closer to hear more of the conversation; I felt like an outsider intruding on a family moment - which in retrospect I probably am.

"Good morning Dr. Grey" one of my blasted interns greeted me chirpily.

Startled, I drop the patient file I was holding, causing a lot of papers scattered on the floor. "Shut up and help me with this!" I replied angrily.

Looking at my now dejected intern I felt slightly guilty which was something new for me. Since last night I seem to be developing an awareness regarding my surroundings and the people around me. And I don't know how to react to this new found feeling that I'm now experiencing. Pushing all troubled thoughts at the back of my mind, I started leading my interns to the first patient.

"This is Ms. Elizabeth Shepherd, 6yrs old present"

"Ms. Elizabeth Shepherd came in last night at 8pm with a ..." my intern's words were drowned out as my thoughts started wandering again.. wandering towards the little girl of course.

I am studying her as intently as she is studying me apparently.

"Where are your parents honey, Why are you alone?" I ask her as I heard the last of my intern's report.

"Oh, hi! I'm Elizabeth, my daddy is getting me a pizza.. It's my favorite!"

"Hi Elizabeth, I'm Dr. Meredith and pizza is my favorite too."

"Would you like some? I can ask daddy to give you one."

"Thank you sweet girl but I already ate. You just enjoy your pizza"

"I'm back!" somebody cried out. Surprising me into noticing that all my interns seems to have been staring at me with wonder for quite some time now.

"Hi Doctor, I'm Dr. Shepherd can you give me an update regarding my daughter?"

Glaring at my interns to not say anything about what they had just witness, I turned around to face my patient's father..

"Derek?!"


	3. Chapter 3

17 minutes and 30 seconds..

That's how long I have been staring at the ceiling.. I think? who the hell counts when they are figuring out how they got to be somewhere they were not supposed to be?

Bringing up to my mind the last thing I remember.. _last thing I remember.. hmm.. rather last person I remember.._

Not being able to trust myself with what I really saw.. I am still in defense if I really saw whom I thought I saw or just thought whom I would like to see which was confusing even for me and that is saying something.

_Derek.. Derek.._

_What is his last name again?_

_It is something common _if I am not mistaken, like a _place?.. food?.. ahh.. animals.. something to do with animals, __Sheperd.. that's it!_

But merely thinking about him, about his silly little name is bringing up more memories.. memories that I rather not care to bring up if I can help it at all.

Recollection of the only person known to me and me alone. A person so precious but who was not even given any chance of having a past, present and specially a future.

Feeling something wet on my cheek I hurriedly wiped it up, that has been another thing that is foreign to me for a relative number of years. I tried hard to close up my mind and heart once again... To protect my sanity... For me to have a will to move forward.. nevertheless I knew that something is different, I can't really pinpoint what that difference is but I can feel it.. I knew that somehow, someway this relates to her.. Elizabeth

I may not know her, I may not know what her connection to all of these are, if she even has a connection to any of these or I'm just deluding myself but then again I don't know if I am willing to risk my sanity for a simple gut feeling. A gut feeling so insignificant it was the first thing I felt in a long time.. a gut feeling so trivial it pierce through the walls that took years to be built.

zzzzzzz

I woke up to the sound of beeping machines around me, to the people right outside my room who seems to be chattering their pathetic little lives away instead of working which is what they are paid to do. I kept hearing my name repeated again and again, my name that was never in their vocabulary unless necessary.

_People around the hospital never did find me interesting.. well.. since I started working here as far as I can tell.. _Having had no experience whatsoever in this kind of treatment from my colleagues before I am kind of at a loss here but regardless of all that I already made up my mind.

I'm getting to the bottom of this.. whatever this maybe be.. whatever the consequence might be.. even if just for my sanity.

After a few more talking and gossiping as much as I can tell, one by one they started to set foot in my room

I mentally composed myself and prepared for a shameful encounter with my colleagues and interns alike.


	4. Chapter 4

I am getting sick of this, just a day after the "incident" as I am calling it now.

Everyone is still pretty interested in what happened or what is currently happening to me. How can anybody stand this insanity? How can anybody work in this kind of environment? Argghh.. My interns now look at me like I am going to have a panic attack, faint, or do something entertaining for them. Which is not something you want your interns to do.. trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

You want them to feel somewhat fearful of you at all times, its what makes them not kill anyone and not killing anyone is very good in my book. How can I evoke that kind of fear once again, when they saw me fainting for no apparent reason and being a little miss goody two shoes to my patient.

So many problems, too little time but enough about that let us get back to business.

Anyway, who the hell am I talking to? I think I am going crazy because of all the things that is happening to me, that is why I need to figure this out and fast so I can finally have my sane self back.

The day appears to be going on for a long time. I can't find a decent hour where there are no nurses in the nurses's station which is pretty stupid since it is their station if you want to analyze it like that. Shit! I gotta stop talking to myself, this is getting me nowhere.

Finally braving to talk to one of the nurses who seems to be new much to my relief.

_"Good day, can I have the chart for Ms. Elizabeth Shepherd? I just need to double check something."_

"Ahh.. yes of course Dr. Grey. Here it is."

_"I'll just ask one of my interns to bring it back in a few hours. Thank you."_

"That is alright Dr. and uhmm.. It isn't true what they say about you.. you know that you are rude and all"

_"Well, thank you for the vote of confidence but I am sure they have a valid reason for that. Thank you again for this._"

Walking away with the chart, successful from my first mission, I entered one of the on call rooms and locked it. Looking down at all of Elizabeth's records, I noticed something right away and that is her date of birth.

_That is weird.. same date.. same month.. even the year is the same. Is this possible?_

I guess it is possible since it is staring me straight in the face.

I can feel the wall inside me start to crack. And memory upon memory starts to suddenly burst out of my carefully buried thoughts.

Something is not right here, how can his daughter survive and mine don't?

I imagined holding her, singing lullabies, bathing her..

I remembered her.. my perfect little angel. She should be the same age as Elizabeth now, she should be having the perfect father, the perfect life.

How can everything change in a blink of an eye? How can my perfect life be ruined with just a snap of my fingers?


	5. Chapter 5

_No matter what other people think, I will always be here for you. I know that I will be the best mother you can ask for, the mother that almost everyone doubts I can be. This is my promise to you my sweet innocent little angel._

* * *

><p>He doesn't even remember me.<p>

It is the thought that keeps on running through my head over and over again.

I know that it is presumptuous to even suggest that he will have some kind of feelings for me but that is not even what I am asking. I was just searching for some kind of recognition, a spark of memory.

Just something! Anything!

It had been the best part of my life, my few moments with him.

It changed me, it challenged me, it made me want to be better and try harder.. maybe it is better this way, better for him not to remember anything and for me to receive and experience all the suffering of having to relieve all the greatest events in my life utterly alone.

Always alone.

Falling in love with a guy who is in a relationship may have been a big mistake.. as most of my acquaintances would say.

To me it is my greatest accomplishment, not because I was successful in stealing him from his significant other but because falling in love with him gave me the greatest gift, a gift I wasn't even aware I would appreciate receiving.

* * *

><p>I hate it, seeing them, seeing their family together and happy.<p>

I want to hate every single one of them, its like they are trying to rub it into my face. I hate Addison for ruining my future. I hate Derek for choosing her and I hate her for living the life my little girl was supposed to have but at the same time I know all these things aren't true.

I can never hate an innocent little girl.

I can never hate Derek.

I cannot even hate Addison.

I only have the energy to feel sadness, pure misery and now as I have just discovered jealousy.


	6. Chapter 6

_No matter what other people think, I will always be here for you. I know that I will be the best mother you can ask for, the mother that almost everyone doubts I can be. This is my promise to you my sweet innocent little angel._

* * *

><p>He doesn't even remember me.<p>

It is the thought that keeps on running through my head over and over again.

I know that it is presumptuous to even suggest that he will have some kind of feelings for me but that is not even what I am asking. I was just searching for some kind of recognition, a spark of memory.

Just something! Anything!

It had been the best part of my life, my few moments with him.. wherein i felt like there was someone who cares.

It changed me, it challenged me, it made me want to be better and try harder.. maybe it is better this way, better for him not to remember anything and for me to receive and experience all the suffering of having to relieve all the greatest events in my life utterly alone.

Always alone.

Falling in love with a guy who is in a relationship may have been a big mistake.. as most people would say.

To me it is my greatest accomplishment, not because I was successful in stealing him from his significant other but because falling in love with him gave me the greatest gift, a gift I wasn't even aware I would appreciate having.

* * *

><p>I hate it, seeing them, seeing their family together and happy.<p>

I want to hate every single one of them, its like they are trying to rub it into my face. I hate Addison for ruining my future. I hate Derek for choosing her and I hate her for living the life my little girl was supposed to have but at the same time I know all these things aren't true.

I can never hate an innocent little girl.

I can never hate Derek.

I cannot even hate Addison.

I only have the energy to feel sadness, pure misery and now as I have just discovered jealousy.

There I am again on the outside looking in,

always looking in..

When is it my time? When can I have my happily ever after?


	7. Chapter 7

"So what are you planning to do with your legendary mother?" Christina asked me as I was rushing towards the pit.

"I don't really know yet, and the only thing i am sure is if she got her way then she would have been buried in the hospital."

"I know what she means, i want that too. If i can't operate then i would rather make other people miserable here. Hahaha."

"No i am serious, I sometimes think that I might wake up one day and suddenly do that and be done with her finally."

"She is still your mother you know, even though she was the worst mother a girl could ask for and even if she made your life crappy."

"I can never forget that, no matter how I want my mind to erase everything she is always there in the shadows constantly berating me, telling me I am not good enough, that no matter what I do I would always be a failure."

"Enough of this, what is wrong with you today? Did you take crazy pills, is that it?

"Well, you were the one who started it.. so don't blame me."

"Yeah, yeah.. Come on, hurry up we might miss some kick ass surgery."

That consists of my daily talks with Christina..

When did this thing start if you may ask.. Well since that day with that very peculiar little girl i started waking up to the world around me slowly. It made me want to have human contact and not just with my patients but I want to have normal conversations again with normal people and that is where Christina came in. Christina is not really a normal person just like me she is not very bright and shinny, she kinds of gets me and I get her.

My friendship with Christina is very weird, first off we started fighting for a surgery and then suddenly the next thing I know I had a person who tells me I am being stupid constantly.

It's nice having someone who you can talk to and someone who cares if you go to work or not. I am starting to get use to this, as I have noticed other people are also starting to get use to the new me. A lot more of them are smiling and greeting me everyday.

It feels different, it feels good different and I like it.


End file.
